50 Fun Things To Do In A Mall
1.Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2.Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask
the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3.Dial 911 from demonstration
phones in Radio Shock.
4.Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted
contents.
5.At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6.Ask the sales personnel at the music store
whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7.Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King,...
9....But save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're,
"astronaut food".
10.Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11.Ask mall cops for
stories of World War I.
12.Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's
a color set. When he disagrees, give a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13.Build a new porch
deck in the tool department of Sears.
14.Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes appartments,
occasionally screaming without warning.
15.Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16.Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft
is full of eels.
17.If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to
side.
18.Sprint up the down escalator.
19.Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they,
too, can see the, "hidden picture".
20.Ask appliance personnel if they have a combo toaster/washing machine.
21.Make
unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22.Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts
through bone.
23.At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24.Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25.Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26.Sneak
up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27.Rummage through the jelly
bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28.Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of
panties matches the color of your beard.
29.In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
30.Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31.Play
the tuba for change.
32.Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play, "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33.Record
belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34.Ask
the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will, "give you a really wicked buzz".
35.Ask the personnel
at Peer 1 Imports whether they have, "any giant crap made out of straw".
36."Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the
fake fireplace display.
37.Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38.Ask the information
desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39.Change every TV in the electronics department to a station
showing, "Saved by the Bell". Chant
the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40.Hang out in the
waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling, "scratch
one flattop!"
41.Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are,
"leak proof".
42."Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43.Stand transfixed
in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44.Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments
over whether they're real.
45.If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46.Answer any unattended service
phones that ring in department stores and say, "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, home of the Big Foot Big Six. May I take
your order please?"
47.Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48.At
the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49.Show people your driver's license and demand to know, "whether
they've seen this man."
50.Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,
and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
